Emotional tiredeness comes in waves, and as I sit at my desk it’s Friday morning and the week has had me feeling the motion of stretch and contraction like a slinky toy travelling down a flight of stairs.
Typically, I am cup full. I’m starting a very exciting research project, nearing the end of an 18 month contract, and preparing the launch of my reserch service Psych Insights… (more in this next week), so yesterday I took a day off and went to a SPA with my friend. It was bliss, but today I’m catching up on emails and clearing my inbox as quickly as possible as we pick up our rescue dog Steve. Have I mentioned this blog will be a canine takeover at some point? Isn’t he beautiful?
Tiredness does come in waves, I’m calling this Slinky Theory, and earlier this year I recorded a pod episode for Psychologically Speaking on the very special kind of tiredness that comes when we are busy ‘becoming’, and how this shows up as identity work.
I’ve edited the transcript below for substack (using AI, apols for any emm —dash excitement from my virtual PA, these are all my own spoken words), but of course do listen here if that’s your thing. The link to the mentioned webinar still works, you will just get the pre-record which is hosted on YouTube.
Written in March - but relevant most weeks.
It’s been a full and nourishing week. I spent time supporting a student-led event on campus, which involved seeds and soil, so I was happy. I also attended a brilliant seminar on creating neurodiverse-friendly campuses, hosted and had enriching conversations at our Psych at the Mic event in Nottingham, where I got to chat with fellow psychologists and psychology students. And I squeezed in a bit of CPD, on how to approach systematic reviews.
It’s been a week that fills me up, but also one that quietly depletes reserves.
This episode is part of our season theme: where we’ve dived into the fascinating gap between intentions and actions, a liminal space where plans meet spontaneity.. And today, I want to explore what happens when you know what matters to you, you’ve got the clarity, the focus but still, you're just... tired from taking the action.
Maybe you’re in that space right now, somewhere along the way, your energy has drained out the sides like a colander
Lately, I’ve been tired but ok, too many hats you might say,. Too many gentle yes’s. Too much switching between roles,work, PhD researcher, volunteer, facilitator, mum, wife, friend. Each one feels right, but together, they’re heavy.
More than time management or needing a better calendar, it’s emotional and identity-based. It’s what psychology calls code-switching or identity work, constantly shifting how we show up depending on who we’re with, what’s expected, and how safe or seen we feel.
This draws on Social Identity Theory (Tajfel & Turner, 1979), which we explored in Season 1 of the podcast. It's the idea that we define ourselves through the groups we belong to, and that we naturally shift how we behave depending on what group we think we're speaking to. That shifting can help us feel seen, but it can also leave us exhausted.
We also touched on self-categorisation theory, which shows that our sense of "people like us" can be empowering in the right context, or depleting if we constantly feel like we have to adapt to belong.
Studies by McCluney et al. (2019) have explored the toll of code-switching and impression management, showing that identity strain is linked to emotional exhaustion, especially in minoritised or marginalised groups.
Add the complexities of entrepreneurship, and the energy cost of managing multiple social identities becomes clearer. Entrepreneurship is often framed as action, creation, output. But there’s another lens: entrepreneurship as becoming.
Scholars like Steyaert (2007) and Cohen & Musson (2000) argue, being an entrepreneur is not just about building something external, it’s about building and narrating a self. A constantly evolving one. This idea of "ontological becoming" means that entrepreneurship isn't simply something we do, it’s something we are and are always becoming.
It sounds beautiful, but it also means there's often no off-switch. No separation between personal and professional identity, when we are also navigating other roles and social expectations, ongoing self-construction becomes layered, complex, and yes, emotionally tiring.
I’ve joked for a while now that I need an Adult INSET Day. A space to pause, recalibrate, and make that quiet shift from one role to another. We wear so many hats, often in the same hour. And all that switching, as we’ve talked about before, can be quietly exhausting. Social identity theory reminds us that we adapt who we are depending on the group we’re with, and even when those roles are fulfilling, the transitions can still take a toll.
So, on April 22nd, I ran a half-hour Adult INSET session.
We explored the imposter phenomenon through a psychological lens, but also through self-compassion and practical tools. There’s a replay available to watch later on YouTube.
You can find the details and sign up for the replay at 👉 leilaainge.co.uk.
Seven types of rest
Psychologist Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith identified seven types of rest, and I think they map beautifully onto the types of tiredness many of us feel.
For each one, I’ll offer a question to ask yourself, and a research-backed suggestion for what might help.
1. Emotional tiredness, from holding space for others, masking feelings, people-pleasing.
Ask: “Who can I speak to without performing or explaining?”
What helps: Emotional expression and co-regulation.
2. Social tiredness, from overstimulation, group dynamics, or just being around others a lot.
Ask: “Have I had enough solitude today?” or “Who fills me up instead of draining me?”
What helps: Intentional solitude or time with restorative people.
3. Sensory tiredness, from screen time, noise, clutter.
Ask: “When did I last step away from screens or noise?”
What helps: Reducing input. Time in nature, silence, soft lighting.
4. Creative tiredness, from constantly solving problems, innovating, making content.
Ask: “When did I last enjoy something without needing to produce anything?”
What helps: Awe, play, beauty without output.
5. Spiritual tiredness, from a loss of meaning, direction, or connection.
Ask: “What connects me to purpose right now?”
What helps: Reconnecting with values, rituals, or small acts of meaning.
6. Physical tiredness, from physical work, illness, or disrupted sleep.
Ask: “Have I moved my body today in a way that feels good?”
What helps: Rest or gentle movement. Walking, stretching, restorative sleep.
7. Mental tiredness, from decision-making, problem-solving, overthinking.
This one’s particularly curious. Most research supports the idea of ego depletion, the idea that decision making wears us out. But a recent study in Nature Mental Health found little evidence of this in clinical contexts.
Ask: “What decision can I make now to reduce future effort?”
What helps: Simplifying decisions and reducing friction, but also, making one aligned choice can create momentum and energy.
And I love what Kristin Neff says:
“Self-compassion gives us the strength to face the truth of our tiredness without needing to fix it immediately.”
Let’s return to the concept of decision fatigue, which I talked about in my recent newsletter.
Decision fatigue, as defined in psychological literature, refers to the deteriorating quality of decisions made by an individual after a long session of decision making. Baumeister and colleagues (1998) first explored this under the umbrella of ego depletion , the idea that we have a finite reserve of mental energy, and it gets depleted over time.
Everyday life for entrepreneurs is full of decisions: pricing, messaging, project timelines, client boundaries, all while juggling decisions in family life too. Add in emotional decisions, like "how visible do I want to be today?" or "how much of myself do I want to share?", and the mental load becomes massive.
A recent study in Nature Mental Health tried to test whether real-world professionals experienced decision fatigue. They didn’t find strong evidence in clinical settings, but that might be because trained professionals rely on protocol and structure. In entrepreneurial life, where structure is often self-made, we feel the decision fatigue more acutely.
And when we’re mentally tired, our brain copes by defaulting to habits, routines, or avoidance. We choose the easiest option, or we don’t choose at all. That’s when tiredness starts to show up as procrastination, overthinking, or avoidance.
But here’s something I’ve been thinking about:
What if tiredness isn’t a reason to avoid decisions, but a reason to make a few good ones?
Sometimes, making one gentle, aligned decision while we’re tired, something that honours our capacity rather than fights it—can be surprisingly energising..
And here’s the radical decision I’ve made:
I’m stepping back from volunteering.
Not immediately, just intentionally. For the first time in over 20 years, I’m not saying yes to the things I used to take on automatically, this is going to be radical for me, (and currently my Husband is not convinced I will make it through my phd without taking on a new volunteer role along the way! )I know I have a regular listener, friend and entrepreneur who might be chuckling at this point too, they have looked after the local village hall for years, run it as a successful business , on the side of their day jobs, held down a senior leadership role and recently been involved in a parlimentatry campaign – women do so much brilliant but unpaid work.
Volunteering has been a huge part of my identity—and like my friend, I’ve chaired the Women’s Space at Manchester Pride and the local school governing board (during covid I might add – what was I thinking! ) to my current role supporting and the British Psychological Societ local branch
But when I take stock of the hats I’m wearing, this podcast, the PhD (which is my main job!), running (which has brought so much wellbeing), and the services I want to offer I'm full.
And not overwhelmed. Just fulfilled. And I’m going to fiercely protect that as best I can. Perhaps you can help,call me out if you see me taking on anything new! My husband will thank you.
So Let’s pause.
Take a breath. And check in.
What kind of tiredness are you feeling today?
What’s one decision that could bring more ease?
What are you still carrying that no one sees?
Just noticing these things is enough. No fixing required.
Let’s recap some ways you might lighten the load:
• Simplify repetitive decisions with gentle defaults.
• Build “no decision” zones into your week.
• Take short, sensory breaks.
• Practice self-compassion when tiredness shows up.
• Reach out to someone who helps you feel like yourself.
Tiredness doesn’t mean something’s wrong. It often means you’ve been carrying something important. Rest is part of becoming and pausing is part of progress.
Importantly, you don’t have to wait until you’re not tired to take care of yourself.
Thanks for being here. I’d love to hear your thoughts. Message me, or share what small decision you’re making this week to honour your energy.
And if you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or like your to-do list is running the show instead of you, this is exactly what I help my clients with.
✨ My online coaching bookings are open, the new calendar is working well with folk who want to book and work through something specific, - Amy said ‘I was struggling with a client, Leila asked questions which helped me pinpoint what I was feeling, it was so much easier to figure out where to go from there. Before this session I thought I would need to stop working with this business but now our relationship is stronger and more open. ✨
📌 Visit www.leilaainge.co.uk/ to book a session or find out more about my adult inset day session which is a free way to work with me.
Thank you for reading.