The Difference Between Being Impressed by Someone and Seeing Them
Admiration has altitude, it creates distance. Respect has recognition and brings us closer.
The sound of the trees rustling in the gentle breeze, Clive the cockerel announcing himself loudly, and birdsong.
This is the sound of early morning in rural France, where I’ve been slowing down at Lucy Werner’s writing retreat in France.
I have been reflecting on the storytelling that is unfolding as our group gets to know each other. We are what a psychologist might call a non-homogeneous group. We all make our money doing different things, we live in different cities, towns and countries, and before this weekend I might have told you that we are, of course, all linked by our online friendships. This person might know that person, who we know from this or that. We have done the obligatory checks on LinkedIn. We are connected, one way or another, by parasocial degrees of separation.
Here, it is like meeting people in the first chapter of a book. Their story starts here, or there, with a moment from the past or a shared joke, and it is a real reminder that there is a joy in meeting and getting to know people behind the content platforms in a non-linear way. I’m not reading their succinct bio, and the first thing I see, hear or feel from them is most definitely not how their services will transform me.
One of the ways our online worlds change how we connect is through elevation. We place people on pedestals, either within a group or from an individual perspective, and so today’s reflection is about thinking about the process and act of respect, how this might show up differently across cultures, and why it is different from the process of elevation and following that we see online.
At its most basic, respect helps people to feel understood and valued, which strengthens social bonds, but respect looks different across cultures. In collectivist cultures, East Asian, African, Eastern and Latin American, for example, respect might be performed through deference to elders, maintaining harmony, and providing hospitality, with a focus on group wellbeing.
In the UK, USA, Australia and Canada, which are more individualistic in contemporary culture, although, it’s important to note that Indigenous cultures within these continents may be very different… the focus is more on independence and rights, so respect is performed differently. It protects a person’s autonomy, privacy and consent.
Psychologically speaking, from a social identity perspective, we would say that respect is culturally learned. There’s no specific “respect” brain region, for example. Respect is actually made up of social rules, reading emotions and cues, empathy, admiration and reward, and behavioural adaptation or flexibility.
Studies do show, however, that how we perform respect shapes patterns of attention and thinking in our brains. We can test whether individuals have stronger reward responses to independence and individualistic behaviour, or to group harmony and collectivist behaviour.
What I’ve observed and noticed deeply this weekend is the contrast in meeting people where they are in real life, minus the Instagram grid or LinkedIn page. We have all arrived in a single space, and we’ve performed respect over admiration.
Online spaces reward and encourage followings and fandom; they do not prioritise respect, although perhaps we see varying levels of this between platforms. I’m thinking that Substack can sometimes feel like a collectivist space where respect is performed, whilst, at its worst, LinkedIn, with its individualistic nature, can host pile-ons when an individual’s autonomy or personal choice is under threat.
So, as I sit here observing and slowing down to meet people where they are, it is a realisation that it is from a place of respect, rather than admiration, that connection comes. Not the type of fangirling I see online. And don’t get me wrong, there is a flourishing that comes from fangirling and knowing that you too can become, or be, something different. But admiration is noticing difference, and meeting people where they are, in real life, and hearing their stories, that is an honour. That is respect. And psychologically speaking, that respect feels balanced in a world where sitting on a pedestal is precarious stuff.
Today’s reflection is to notice respect this week. How is it showing up? How is it being culturally performed? And how is the group defining those social norms around respect?
Art Pairing for this piece: Léonor FINI: The masked ball
https://www.independenthq.com/features/leonor-fini-unmasking-the-being-inside
Hi, I’m Leila, a psychologist and researcher for hire. I run the reflection room which a group coaching space several times a year. Every monday there is a recorded prompt for you to listen to or read. I often link these reflections to art, poetry or cultural observations.